The Lord is good, these are some of the disgusting things i did after being a Christian 12 years ago. I will post bad things from earlier having given my life to Jesus. Those who confess and renounce their sins find mercy.I have tried posting this on my facebook page in the past.
After having been a Christian:
- Mostly disrespecting my dad here, i was pretty crazy, i don’t even know how to unwind things here but i seriously lacked trust in him and its been terrible.
- When i was a new believer in 2006 i was petrified of giving a false prophesy, as well as petrified of disrespecting the Lord. I came home one night with a taxi driver who was telling me about problems getting his children into school and i was praying somehow the Lord provide. As he dropped me off, i don’t know how to explain it but i saw like a dark light say “Tell him the Lord says your problem is solved right now, and you will put your hand in your pocket and it will come out with the money” as i stood petrified that this didn’t seem right the thing kept saying “WHat is wrong, you have to do it, don’t you fear God? YOU MUST FEAR GOD!” and i went ahead and said “The Lord says your problem will be solved right now” and i pulled out my hand from my pocket with nothing in it… though we remained friends as far as i know the person did not have the problem solved for his children that year.
- I had witnessed some miracles but was walking too much in ‘Word of Faith’ and easpecially early on i kept saying things like “You will be healed” (thankfully not “The Lord Says”) and one person the husband of a friend, who had alzheimers was not healed. I remember how my pastor before told me i had broken his wife because of the claim i made.
- In regards to my dearly beloved Hannah i am not sure how to even start, but we both said that God wants us to marry each other. I mentioned many things that i do believe God said that were true, and some things i said as i understood because others or myself said it was true. For example i said to her i saw our daughter together, because i saw a girl who i believe will be our daughter, but i did not necessarily myself have a vision of it directly being hers, though i think it will be. I was going on prophesies and other things that i thought implied it would be our daughter because if we are to marry it makes sense. However i have had impressions and things that have caused doubt at time, and i am not sure what God is doing, and at times i have allowed myself to wonder about other women, or consider going on a date with someone else with the intention of seeing if we should pursue marriage. This has even been in one case with for example one friend, a person i believe the Lord told me from the beginning was not my wife. She is now happily married to a God fearing man and i praise God for that and i hope to do right by that from the heart. I have at times asked 2 other women if they would be interested and one unfriended me the other said that she thinks things would not work. Trying to be completely faithful from my heart to someone who hasn’t spoken to you in over a year, 2 times, won’t tell you why, and has had sex with other people in that time is difficult but Jesus is faithful I just want to serve Jesus
- I told Joshua John that i believed God was going to give him the job, and He would do so because of Joshua’s daughters, but he ended up not getting the job at the Marriot which is what i believe was intended when i said it. This one i just don’t understand, i have at many times had things come out of my mouth that were true, this is the only time i know of that it didn’t happen this way… unless Joshua has gotten the job somehow since then that i don’t know of… he was told that he got the job actually shortly after but it was subsequently taken away and did not benefit his daughters.
- Some things that were just kind of skewed in regards to handling of posessions and payments, i am not sure how to explain it right now. For example i tried to minister in a park and two people came who were orphans and in gangs and about to be thrown out and begged me for help, and my dad here had sent me money for the rental of our house and i used it instead to help them, which is in a way a type of robbery i don’t know how to explain. Or a time i think that an accountant had stolen my tax money and if i had, then i couldn’t pay the fine, and instead of finding out since it was three months until the court would no longer care if i didn’t pay and i didn’t put effort into fixing it before then.
- Especially early on and while in unsound doctrine, many times i said i would do something by such and such a day and was unable to do so.
- Sometimes exaggerating, or probably speaking too much, being too harsh or careless with others, again above all just treating my dad here wickedly.
- Many self righteous and at times condemning thoughts which God help me never have but instead to always want people healthy, joyfully provided for and lovingly directed towards love in Jesus, or at times thinking that someone who did me wrong if they suffer it might feel pleasant, God protect us from spirits of murder, vengeance, and adultery.
- In my heart having thoughts i need to cast out of thinking a girl is pretty and wondering if they would be interested in me, and sometimes finding out they are already married. Or at times covetous thoughts God help me, or wondering if from a vage recollection of an impression that a married woman if maybe her husband will cheat on her or die and then i will end up with her, at times creepy thoughts about thinking younger women than even 18 are attractive that are just gross, thankfully it still feels perverse and like i want it out of me as well may God help us think of things that are disgusting as disgusting. Sometimes the sick thought or desire of wanting my ancestors here to die which were the last words i had said to my mom here “why don’t you just die” and she did, so i can have some kind of inheritance to just pay off my loans.
- Sometimes when people are eating food i am giving them i have judgmental thoughts, like “Hey that is expensive” i hate having a stingy eye here. Or i don’t know how many forms of prejudice i have had. Thinking that they are using things for themselves or buying things too expensively for themselves, or feeling very uncomfortable when they eat things, t times thinking that people have evil motives without really having a reason for it. At times thinking a person stole something or something being out of place is someone else’s fault when like 100% of the time it is my own.
- Being especially early on gross and uncontrolled and irresponsible in so many ways.
- Being unfaithful to friends and relatives that i form a bond with, and just kind of letting them go without giving any followup.
- At times flattering people instead of rebuking them, not telling them lovingly to leave their sins, or just ‘being cool’ about things and thinking God will work it out. This was a bad error in most of my early preaching, just saying “Believe in Jesus, He loves you and will make it all work out” which is true in essence if we really believe, but its not healthy preaching without deep cleansing words to help people repent, trust Him and follow Him and understand their hardships which is part of what He uses to make it all work out.
- Not working with my hands, paying my own way, and helping others with money i have made, in some way i have been a financial burden to others throughout these twelve years except maybe my time in California and some times with work in 2008. Somehow i thought that doing the Lord’s work made me worthy of being financially blessed by others, but they have not been totally in agreement with this.
- Telling God with a girl about our plans to Marry in 2006, she immediately the next day said she didn’t want to and broke it off. We kissed during the time then and she stayed the night at my place a few times when i still thought it was not a tricky issue for friends of opposite sexes to do so when not needed, i felt drawn to kiss her arms or stomach by invisible things grabbing me at times but i don’t see how it would be of the Holy Spirit. i pray we will tell the truth about all things in Jesus name
- Not helping Christians who were in doctrinal error understand their need to repent at times i should, or being overly ecumenical such as Roman Catholicism or JW. I don’t know the right balance here yet but i think its important to try and draw people away lovingly from error and not just ‘be cool about it’.
Things i don’t yet know what to make of
One Sunday it was a friend Brenda’s birthday who i care about a lot, she had a birthday cake the candles were lit, i believe God wanted me to try and put her face in the cake as she was blowing out the candles, i didn’t want to though i think it is funny when people do it most of the time but on more research at times it can be danger i tried doing it but i wasn’t able too. She things it wasn’t God, her glasses got misty from the heat of the candles. A week later i believe the Lord had me put all the candles around the cake so it would be safe, and then to put another friend’s face in the cake but i felt uncomfortable and just grabbed icing and put it on his face to try and be obedient. When i ask Jesus i have felt it has meant that we pay too much attention to physical food at the church, i would think as a warning against as in their God is their belly. But it is still uncomfortable.
One time a friend, i grabbed her glasses because i believe the Lord had told me too though in this case there was a lot of interference so i don’t know what really happened. I felt i was to grab them, throw them to the ground and stomp as hard as i could on them on rocky pavement. They looked at me amazed and i was declaring her eyes healed. She picked up the glasses and they were not broken. As far as i know her eyes are not totally healed right now. It is a miracle to me the glasses didn’t break but i don’t know what to make of it.
Before being a Christian,
this is disgusting and things i prefer not to name nor do i recommend reading this but its here to try and be transparent that i did really bad things before and they really hurt you.
- The most disgusting thing i remember is when i was about 9 or 10 and before i knew what sex was, a friend and i wanted to make a young child we were ridiculing have a yucky ‘private part’ and so we had the child put it on our buttocks. After a while i felt bad and when i told my mom about this she looked at me in a way that something was really wrong and i felt a type of yuckiness that did not go away…
- Having wicked pornography including cartoons of hemaphrodite ‘angel’ beings, women with demonic creatures, naked women ‘angels’, and lots of pictures of orgies, or lesbian or other types of things. Having intercourse with women before marriage some virgins, one i believe became pregnant even though using a condom, and had an abortion without telling me, another i believe had an abortion caused by birth control, and having all kinds of wicked things and acts during this time. A lot of it while on drugs of various kinds. All this there are studies that create more damage to the brain than many hard drugs
- Usage of various kinds of drugs, particularly things like Pot, Ritalin, Aderall, Ecstasy, LSD, Prozac, Mushrooms, Mescaline which is totally disgusting along with many others, facilitating others to have access to drugs, helping underage youth in the college i was to have access to liquor, provoking others to try drugs and to leave sound thinking about it.
- Being engaged with various disgusting occult, from oriental religions that i don’t like to mention like Aikido, Daoism, Zen Buddhism, Taichi, Hinduism and Yoga, Acupuncture, Falun Gong, to Western things like evolution, nihilism, epicurianism, postmodernism, mysticism and new age things with horoscopes, tarot, wicca, automatic writing, and whatever else disgusting things from the evil one. Making up my own occult things.
- Hating my mother and father, cursing them, writing to others about it, talking behind their backs.
- Being double hearted, on one side trying to gain favor with my friends parents and on the other telling my friends something else, or like wise with people, being divided this way. Being backbiting and bitter, codependant and weak and lazy, a coward.
- Cross dressing, wanting to be a woman, imagining myself a woman with breasts and etc… particularly wanting to become female people i had a crush on, or at times hyper masculine…
- wanting to get engaged in magic, the first thing i remember telling God after believing in Him was ‘i will not believe in You unless you give me superpowers’ when i was like 9. All kinds of hocus pocus things, wanting to self hypnotize myself so i would do homework.
- Trying to scare my brother, or being cruel to him, making him play like he was a bull and then have him ram into furniture and hurt himself rather badly, have him pee on me ne time, making terrible fun of him with my friends.
- Telling my mom ‘why don’t you just die’ and she did.
- Seducing women, not wanting their best interest but just for them to like me
- Being foolish with property, vandalism, stealing a flag with a friend from a church and breaking into a church.
- Breaking into ruins without permission
- Wanting to form a secret society of sorts, or doing esoteric things like my friends and claiming it was true.
- hating people, coveting, disrespecting presidents, above all disrespecting God and my parents
- Sharing blasphemous videos about JESUS like in southpark or simpsons
- sharing pornography and porn games
- piracy of computer games, videos and music
- making fun of people in sick ways, or at one time investigating what a porn filming place is like, or just kind of playing with people (not in agreement together with them) and not interacting with them in truth.
- Envies, jealous, all kind of boasting and arrogance and rebellion. Always thinking i am the best, or most important to get attention, or best able to do things, not treating others the way i would want to be treated, God help me in Jesus name
- Wanting to get married to one of my best friends who was another boy.
In time’s past i have a friendship with a couple, even a pastor and his wife, and as i speak to his wife i will all of a sudden sense temptations that she is pretty and i will say ‘get out of here’ in my heart to the temptation, because i know where that can lead, and sing a song praying God keep my heart pure which usually helps, but they don’t usually stop so easy and at times have said even to their husbands ‘please pray that i am liberated from any temptations from you wife’. Again even confessing things that i am warring with, all of a sudden they go away, and i feel much clearer for a prolonged time after often it doesn’t come back the sin in me is cleansed… but where is my desire placed? more on this later. Walking in this world is a constant battle, let us stay alert, the evil one is like a prowling lion seeking who to devour.
This gets so dumb at time, sometimes i will talk to another man and something will happen that wants to be drawn to this strange image of them, its gross and even feels alien but its like a part of my mind senses a vision of ‘this should be infatuating’ and like the conscience could be seared to it, like at times i have to fight with a hand tied behind my back. Most recently i am talking to my uncle and aunt and my aunt will swift her hand through her hair and it will seem for a brief surreal moment like its attractive and even like my conscience is blocked in that area about how sick it is as it says in a related case in 1st Corinthians 5 and other areas, almost like its natural to be drawn to or to make it seem acceptable to flirt, which it isn’t its totally disgusting and should feel that way if it comes, normally its not even something you think about. You can’t go around all day saying ‘i can’t think about women being attractive’ that doesn’t work like i says in Romans 7, i in regards to that chapter i am certainly not immune to coveting God help us all in Jesus name.
So my next resort has been humbling myself in confession of what is warring in my thoughts as soon as i can, i usually helps it go away though its ugly to me and really uncomfortable. But what am i going to do? Thankfully the result has been constantly being shown mercy for the past 12 years and thanks be to God for listening ears. The Bible says in Proverbs that confession and renunciation of sins is met with Mercy and Hallelujah to that. But even if the whole world casts me out at least i can by God’s grace stop sinning before Him who is a Holy God. He is in control, and God help me persevere to the end, He will eventually draw people back to forgiveness, acceptance to me, at least those who are Heaven bound, as He purifies my heart helping me stay true to Him. I speak here me, but it is i believe applicable to you and all as we have surrendered and trusting in Jesus and can trust He will guide to persevere even at times through uncomfortable discipline.
Staying in prayer/worship works too because the Lord inhabits the praise of His people and He fights for us but at times its difficult to find a suitable environment to do so, fasting on what our indulgences are, even food helps strengthen our spirits as well, if we can deny ourselves legal pleasures we are better off to deny ourselves anything else, Jesus says we are to deny ourselves like in Matthew 16:24.
Anyways, i think people don’t understand that a) some things are sin b) what causes undesireable thoughts and b) what to do about these undesireable thoughts. so
a) It is said “The first thing to do to overcome a problem is know its a problem” right? So yes do not be deceived, adultery, fornication and homosexuality, drug use etc is a sin 1st Corinthias 6:9-10 and if we live that way unrepentantly we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, there is a true grace of God that leads us to be Holy, without Holiness we will not see God, God’s Holiness is not wearing a pin striped suit, but becoming like little children, it is based on Love i understand for 1st Thessalonians 3:12-13
b) First off sin is born from wrong desires it says in James 4, satan will tempt us where we are weaker in these areas, i have a desire for a wife which i am still have not been able to totally not have but am currently without a wife and i am trying to wait for my dearly beloved Hannah which is difficult but i still think this is God’s desire which she expressed too, i don’t know what to do now. This leaves a weakness to some extent in regards to lust. Romans 7 talks about sin is what works in us and its not directly our fault if we don’t want to sin, and satan is out there tempting in various ways even misusing the Word of God, he works in a variety of ways and even masquerades at times what i think may seem as our own thoughts which as you grow in discernment can become clearer, the thing to know is there is a spiritual enemy out there, also teachers who are not teaching sound doctrine and exclaim loud boasts and appeal to sensual desires can draw away believers
c) The best thing is to crowd out any friendship with the world, any evil desires with desire for God. If we spot sin working in our lives, confession cleanses us it says in 1st John 1, particularly i understand with other believers who then pray for us to have life. While i haven’t outwardly acted on a sin of this nature, i do see sin working in my members, and i confess that at times even though i have usually been certain about Hannah Hubbard i have not always been perfectly sure and in my doubts have been drawn to other women, when uncertain i have asked them if we should go on a date and thankfully God has kept us safe, and at times i thought about women who later i found out where married.
At times from strange horrible thoughts in regards to visions i considered that maybe women who were married were somehow going to become single let say their husband dies etc, and maybe God would have me be together with them which is wrong but sin subtly wants to harden our hearts God help us all, please pray for me.
At times these strange flashes happened and its like the whole fact that they are married seems to not even by in my consciousness like my aunt and its like by the grace of God i can say ‘Lord help, keep my heart pure’ and ‘get back wicked thought and whatever the root is in Jesus name’, even as i feel unworthy to call on Him we can by the blood of Jesus come boldly to the Holy of Holies, to God for His grace to overcome.
I don’t know what to say but i am horrified to think that some people might be caught warring with satan trying to build a nest in their hair with Paedophilia, which seems like the one unredeemable sin these days, but the truth is every sin is disgusting and watching Pornography also will not allow you to enter Heaven. With me at times the evil one has tried to put evil thoughts in me here, though thankfully it still feels disgusting to think about it, but it becomes a fear about ‘what if it starts to not feel disgusting’, it is disgusting and it shows my heart is wicked if it starts to not feel that way but again that’s true of every sin, or with Bestiality but who knows someone might have a weakness to it, and instead society could come along and teach them to embrace it as normal, like they do now with pornography, or pot smoking which also seemed like a temptation since i had been involved in it before. Its like when tempted you enter in some way into another space not sure how to explain it, stay close to Jesus and out of the dark, expose the works of darkness operating in your heart.
These are not things i think about normally, but what am i going to do? because a temptation comes put myself in a room and never help another woman? Yes its better to gauge out our eyes if they were to make us sin, and we should treat sin with that seriousness, with that said before cutting a member off like that let us strengthen what is weak with other things we must do. Confess, humble ourselves before God, we shall find mercy and be lifted up, ask to be prayed for by brothers and sisters, resist the evil one and he will flee from you, keep yourself in prayer because the spirit is willing and the flesh is weak, stop listening to teachers who cause division by not teaching sound Biblical doctrine Romans 16:17 (may God help all to repent and watch their doctrine and lives closely and persevere in them) fear God and not man because the fear of God helps us avoid evil, be single minded on God and desire Him, crowding out evil desires and setting good ones in their place with an overarching delight in God, pray for loving Him with all your heart, soul, mind and strength and neighbor as yourself, forgive others and you shall be forgiven, grow in the knowledge of His Word because His people perish for lack of knowledge, call on Jesus Christ and He will save you, sell your posessions and give to the poor so our hearts can be in Heaven, keep pure speech because what defiles us is what comes out of us, pray that God keep a watch over your lips and guard over your moth and keep us all loving with a clean heart, good conscience and sincere faith in Christ, Jesus Christ is coming soon, let us know that when He comes we shall be like Him for we will see Him as He really is John 3:2,3 and all who have this desire purify themselves, eagerly desire His coming and set our hopes on the grace to be given when He is revealed, God help me with all of this in Jesus name, Maranatha come Lord Jesus Christ as You are in the Word the only begotten Son of God, Lord of Lords and King of Kings