A few days earlier, January 30th, things were crazy, so i am now in a hospital against my will, something is strange, am i not supposed to get back to my friends for new years? Gotta get out of here, some lady comes in and asks me to do some excersize, i can’t easily speak to her… the exercise seems manipulative and dumb, something about working with coords… i barely remember. I have all these tubes in my arms… i feel a little out of it and then i realize i am in some kind of danger, i have got to get out of here, i think God tells me MOVE GET OUT…. i see no nurses are around me and i take the needles out of my arms and run, i am running and running and find the exit and people yell stop stop!
I jump out the back door and someone grabs my hospital gown i keep running and it comes off i don’t know where to go so i climb the wall, and jump over onto the freeway without any gown and finally i feel free! I run across the freeway with cars coming across and jump over a chain link fence i think on the other side…. i am now in a parking lot of some factory perhaps and see a dumpster, i open it up and climb inside.
- And now… and now what? God what do i do now, why did i do this? I hear “This will help you be useless for Satan… it is now enough” so i am happy… i have no idea where to go. I get out of the dumpster and walk across the parking lot, some police officers drive in. They see me and kind of chuckle, in my eyes warm heartedly, i get in to the back seat of their car and they take me back to the hospital. I remember being taken up several floors and put in my new room.
- Do not eat…. do not drink… do not
I understand i better not eat, or drink, and its going to be more days of this. I wonder what the problem is… am i going to have to go 40 days like Jesus? I know that i am not as strong as Jesus… somehow my mind made that the situation not called for that at this point. I wonder if its because of some evil spirit in me. This are quite difficult. I am tormented through the night, as i look out the window i wonder it must be new years now, or is it after? I wonder if those are fireworks i hear. How are my friends? The torment keeps coming and at times unbearable i feel i am about to be posessed, that my mouth will utter the words that “I am Jesus Christ” and will be sent to hell and i yell out over and over “Jesus Christ is Lord! JESUS CHRIST IS THE LORD! I AM NOT JESUS CHRIST ! I AM NOT JESUS CHRIST JESUS CHRIST IS LORD JESUS CHRIST IS LORD
JESUS CHRIST IS LORD
I order you out unclean spirits i order you out! in Jesus name! LORD HAVE MERCY!
The doctors come in every few hours and force me on to the bed and strap me down and inject me with drugs to sedate me. If i am on my knees for more than 30 minutes or so they come in and put me on the bed and say i will get circulation problems and they don’t want me to harm my legs, why don’t i drink? why? they say…
They tell me the judge will come in a couple days to see my case to see if i can be let out soon. To prepare myself and i am happy, ok maybe i will be able to leave soon. I call my dad here, he is praying for me and i also remember my grandparents that i am thankful for the help they sent me before. I really should write them! I have to do that… and i have to finish the book of Luke!
My dad here tells me about a man Ron Hoak who lives nearby and who is a friend of the church in Guatemala’s pastor. I ask him to please ask him to come. Please ask him to come pray for me. The nights are long. Strange things happening. So thirsty. They bring a bottle of water with a straw but i think i must be filled with demons and i am finally able to go to the bathroom for a number two. But what was in me must be evil…. isn’t there something about when you come to God then you have stomach problems and demons leave you? It must be unclean what is there i know that it was said in that other oriental thing sometimes stomach problems … so i take the bottle and try to not even touch the excrement and use it as a bidey and unfortunately get some on the straw… i find they had taken the bottle out and am concerned what they think.
The day comes that the judge receives me and my beard had grown some they give me a razor to clean myself up a bit. The nurses are really kind to me… it seems to not work so well maybe gets dull so they give me another, and another, i think i went through a few at least. And walk in to see the judge and many nurses and doctors around. They ask me about my situation, i don’t remember much but i tell them that i listen to Jesus Christ. They look quizzically at me, and inside i feel to tell them something, but what comes out of my mouth is “I really do, and He loves you, and you, and you and you” i don’t remember the rest but the judge says “He has to stay here” and i feel frustrated inside and he gets up to leave, my heart wanted to say “God is the judge! God is the judge!” and the man walks out and i feel stopped and am unable to tell him anything. Blessings be to that man. I am now here for an indefinite period of time.
My housemates come to visit me and bring some chocolate chip cookies. I am unable to eat them yet. I am very happy to see them. So nice for them to visit. One of them comes up and says “remember you said you would give me the car” I say yes, she comes back later to sign the papers. I am glad to have that out of the way, maybe something in me wondering about it a bit. Praise God for her in Jesus name
So thirsty, i step into the shower but cannot drink and ask the Lord for living water. I need living water! So that i do not thirst! And oh those white flakes on my lips and in my mouth tast so good! Like fennel with honey! Maybe God has made Manna form on my lips, it tastes like so in the Bible i think i remember. I keep crying out to the Lord to have mercy on me, please don’t let me go to hell! The demons cast me down and i feel they make me lift my arms like if i am being crucified, i really don’t want to breathe them, maybe this act will help but i AM NOT JESUS CHRIST
Jesus Christ is Lord
I am on my knees begging the Lord PLEASE SEND ANGELS TO INTERCEDE FOR ME! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED MILLIONS OF ANGELS TO INTERCEDE FOR ME! THERE IS NOTHING I CAN OFFER! AM I SWALLOWED UP BY Darkness!? On my knees i am also praying that God have mercy on Nietzsche, and God have mercy on Virginia Woolf, i am not sure if its wrong to pray for the deceased but over and over i am praying for them. Lord have mercy for them. Lord have mercy on this and that person, help Lord help!
I feel the Lord’s anger on me it feels like to me, i have a strange vision of destruction of the earth, like the earth breaking up… and God the Father being angry with me, and that He is going to leave and that i am going to be left just with Jesus Christ or else He would destroy me and i feel awful and wicked that i am not good enough to be with Him, oh how awful i am! and all the time this bright happy light comes up in me and i just don’t know how to crush it oh what an awful wretched individual i am! WHY IS THIS WICKED FOOLISH lightish thing coming up its not me i am awful please have mercy on me Lord! But i cannot crush it and in a way i do not want to because it feels also like there is some kind of bubbling up of hope in it too, but also all kinds of wrong somehow in regards to it…. so wicked why cannot i just crush myself and truly show i repent I REPENT PLEASE CLEANSE MY HEART OH LORD!
I walk out into the hallways, slowly working on the letter to my grandparents too. So strange i can only go a couple sentences a day it seems, a few paragraphs a day in the Bible. My dad calls every so often and its nice to pray and talk. Ron Hoak finally comes to visit and we pray together, so very nice, thank You so much God. He tells me about God, and to get baptized as soon as i can. I agree yes, that is a good idea. Yes. He has to leave but calls every so often to pray, very helpful. I feel i have to go one more day without food or drink…. Ok ok ok, where else can i go.
I am on the bed with all this torment yelling for God. I get up and go to the hallway and meet this nice lady. She is in there for Schizophrenia. She seems totally sound to me. We start singing a song together and i feel sort of neat we are singing to Jesus and words come to my mouth about happy things. She loves Jesus too. Her husband comes visit her frequently too and he is a nice man also. I make some other friends there. The nurses and doctors are almost all very caring and nice. I remember one lady she says something nice and i respond with a friendly even rather funny thing but all of a sudden a terrible thing hits me and i feel guil, more guilt like i did something terrible “She is of the world, of the world! ” NOOO I CCANNOT BE CONTAMINATED but Shouldn’t i love people? But do i hate this world?I start screaming I hate this world I HATE THIS WORLD to atone in a way for the guilt and i ask the Lord “Do i have to do this ? ” And i start saying “I Hate that i have to hate this world to follow God but i Hate this world I Hate IT!” Oh such guilt i feel! OH awful to start to feel friendship with this lady who is of the world!
One of them winks at times it seems like in a friend and not bad way but i remember proverbs says “The wicked wink the eye and shift the feet” so i tell him that and he says oh ok thank you. I keep asking for a minister to pray with, i do now know if protestant or catholic are different but understand protestant is most likely better though none came earlier they must have been pretty busy. The nurse seemed like a neat person, we pray together for the other people in the hospital. He tells me that i have to stop after a while and get some rest, and i say no we can help heal people lets go door to door and pray for them but eventually it is time to rest.
But i do not rest its time to war, * I AM NOT JESUS CHRIST * * I AM NOT JESUS CHRIST *
I AM NOT JESUS CHRIST
I remember i need to excersize and i start doing jumping jacks and running around the hallways and for strength pushing against the locked doors as hard as i can. The nurses grab me and inject me and with several of them strap me down. NO I NEED TO EXCERSIZE. I get up after the injections and they walk out and run around the room and jump and jump and jump as hard as i can and OH NO
I FEEL LIKE I AM DYING!
I feel i am dying! The medicine is hitting so hard with the effect of the i feel i amdying
The excersize made something with the medicine i am on the floor writhing with the most excruciatingly awful feeling i had ever had feeling i am about to die….
and after a few minutes it goes away and i feel better bit by bit….
The day comes that i can finally have something to eat and drink. I have a very very tasty chocolate chip cookie. I am only allowed to eat a small part. And i am allowed very little of each. My appetite feels like a rubber band. I want to eat a lot…. People are happy i am eating. Thank You Lord for the cookie! How do i pray for this?
Thank You Lord for this food, please bless it so it is clean to eat in Jesus name
Oh that is simple. Wait do i pray it for just one piece, of for everything? I start to pray this for every single bit, at times it seems every time i chew on it. Thank You Lord…. there are days i have 3 or four cookies. Someone took out the cookies my housemates gave me. I was saddened by it but oh well so thankful. So thankful for the people here. Another night passes with me screaming, LORD HAVE MERCY HAVE MERCY OH LORD! People come to me with deeply troubled faces to tell me that God is Love that i do not need to scream like that but i just do not see that at this point that way, i do not see how i can relax with all this torment and i am so guilty, i see that God is awesome and Holy but yes… there is something true too about Love and kindness but last time i tried to see things ‘simply’ i was panged with guilt and shame and torment these demons it feels are about to posess me i do not know how to see things but it feel is need to yell with all my might about
JESUS CHRIST IS LORD JESUS CHRIST IS THE LORD
JESUS CHRIST IS LORD OF LORDS HALLELUJAH
There is one other lady who comes in. She is very creative and nice too. Shannon i think, like the river. I am in the room yelling and yelling and she says to me “God has a secret mission for you” and i think “Wow a secret mission” “Come back tonight and i will give it to you” “Wow”.
Its time to share with everyone and its nice to hear from people. I don’t remember much. The lady comes in again who had a test with strings and i think i am able to pretty much solve it. She says “Well done, do you remember you tried doing this when you first came in and you were unable” I say i don’t remember, if i do its very vague. I call up my brother and tell him i love him and care about him. I tell him about Jesus, and if he had ever fornicated and that he shouldn’t do such things.
My friend Shannon comes in, she had tried to commit suicide. I wonder why such a nice, fun lady who helps make people happy would want to commit suicide. She gives me the secret mission. Jeremiah 29:11. Great verse, thank You Jesus. Another friend comes and we talk about the Bible through the night and pray for others. The night time is hard. I try to pray on my knees and the nurses keep coming in to strap me to the bed. I say “Maybe i can take a shower” They say “Ok, but you will not get on your knees and pray there right” I say “Ok”… they let me take a shower but i feel i must pray and get on the floor of the shower to do so and they come in and take me out and strap me to the bed again.
The time for meds come and i do not like it. I really do not like it and see how i can skip it but it becomes hard. I see there is one lady who does not take the meds. But she walks around as if in a fantasy talking to people who are not there and i start thinking the meds are better than that. The people she talks too do not seem at all… productive? Perhaps demonic i now think…
Another night of torment and i am yelling at the top of my lungs. There are times i think perhaps if i do not breathe then i will cast the demons out. So i yell and yell and then also try and hold my breath. 50 seconds, 100 seconds…. and then again… and then again… so difficult. I am told that in the future i will have a son and that i am to name him with a certain name… but it doesnt make sense to me… I feel i am told that the people here are nice but soon you will go to a place and someone is going to hate you without reason. I start to feel saddened at this like its the worst thing that will ever happen to me and plead it not happen.
- Please note at this point i am not claiming that these supernatural things are all of God, these are my experiences at this point *
I am able to finally finish the book of Luke, and writing my grandparents. I am moved to another room and am writhing on the floor again from Demonic attacks. I feel i am not supposed to open my eyes. I am screaming and screaming. And then… something comes over me, and i feel peace. And i say “Please do not condemn me” and i hear ” I did not come to condemn you but to save you ” and i feel peace. And i wonder if this is the Holy Spirit. Or is it and unclean spirit. It is nice to not feel torment.
And i feel led to walk the hallways, and i have another conversation and i feel at peace… the content is strange. Something says “Do you know why you feel something special about your friend Leila?” And i say “No….” “Do you remember that part in the Bible that talks about a woman giving birth to a Son and going to the desert?” And i say “Sort of…” “Well Leila is going to be the Midwife to those children, one will be good and the other evil” Oh wow, Leila is quite special…. I do not recall this really happening in the Bible and think this is most likely demonic
I am told that pretty soon i am going to another hospital. That i cannot stay there longer. The nurses look a little bit worried with it but also trying to be encouraging. I say “Oh ok”… a few more days perhaps. I get to know others there, one young man who is obviously also troubled he is nice and treats me kindly, he talks to his parents about how he shouldn’t be there, everyone there is totally crazy and he isn’t. He treats one older gentleman a little bit not nice and i see a bit of an argument. My friend had come with the papers already and was signed and the car was hers.
The day comes that i have to switch hospitals. I am going to pendleton they say. I am one of the ones who has been there the longest. They have a sort of going away party for me. It was neat. I had some cookies. The other patients all congratulated me and wished me well and i got to tell them i appreciated them all. The doctors looked a little bit saddened but were encouraging to me. Ron Hoak had also come a bit before and we prayed one last time. The police officers came and were nice to me and took me down to the car to transport me. I got in and we were off and i was outside and in the daylight for the first time in over a month. We drive off, the police officers were nice we had a bit of a nice conversation, i am a bit sleepy but the mountains and sunlight look nice and i doze off.