We head to an area west Portland where Ron Hoak allowed us to stay with him praise the Lord. I am thankful to be heading out with my dad here. I keep having strange thoughts about how things might actually be and keep thinking satan might be in control of my dimension and asking my dad here to pray for me. Or having these weird thoughts about how emotions are interconnected (which are untrue). I had this strange thought that we would build spaces of interconnected ideas in pockets of emotions, my thoughts were that you would train yourself with patterns within those emotions and they were easily accessible at those times, like training police by provoking them to be in situations of fear or anger, because they would likely need those systems of thought while in that emotional situation. The problem was that i had gone even further and thought about how there was a metaphysical interconnectedness between those emotions and the thought patterns and that we were just like jellyfish subject to these things. And then gone more forward to these perhaps altering the very fabric of reality itself in some way… not getting quite as far as some claiming weird holographic interconnected realities from our psyches. I had written a paper on this in college as i was going quite mad. I had shown Amanda G. this and she said “Reading this makes me angry, i don’t know why”. I wonder, since she did have a desire to love God present in her life if the Holy Spirit was upset at the paper. It did blur the lines of science into mysticism and i would say the occult, as i began making claims things were a way before there was really proof that things were that way, even if some of the arguments were plausible to me. Sort of sounds like the theory of Evolution, which does draw off some true things but on some grand assumptions is false, such as things forming into different kinds. Genesis is clear that all species reproduce according to their kind, and their is no evidence nor will there be of things going from one kind to another, at least Biblically, however artificially we may see some strange goings on in the years ahead with so called Chymera embryos that might make it hard to know what the term kind applies to. God help me and forgive me in Jesus name.
Ron Hoak was a neat guy, he gave me a big hug when he saw me. He said you know you might not look like much to many people or worth anything in their eyes but you accepted Christ and He is going to work in you, you are my brother and i appreciate you i hope you don’t mind me giving you a hug people call me huggy hoak. His wife laughed, and we shared some stories and they prayed for me. They gave me a bed on the couch by the fireplace, they said if i had anything i wanted to burn from my past i could toss it into the furnace which i had also thought was important to do while in the hospital. I kept feeling attacked by demons and asked him if he would cast them out of me. He took me outside and told me: “See that cross up there, that means no demons can get in here”. He proceeded to tell me that he had cast demons out at one point, a man who seemed normal but had a lot of strength with the demons and when the demons were cast out he didn’t remember anything and wondered how he had gotten there. Whatever the case i felt terribly oppressed… at night i couldn’t sleep from the torment and would go into my dad here’s room and lie at the edge of the bed hoping to get some rest. It sure seemed to me demons could get into the house and i kept wondering what i was supposed to believe. I mean this certainly was not normal what happened to me, was the problem that i believed demons could affect me which was making them affect me? In the end my thoughts are a cross and other things can make a place a blessing since you are attempting to proclaim Jesus, and if my beliefs and faith were right i wouldn’t have been affected, but at the same time its because my beliefs and faith were weak that the Lord was allowing me to be afflicted at that point for my purification and testing of my faith but He is always faithful, it wasn’t stronger than i was able to handle with Him though it sure was orders of magnitude more than i felt i could handle but He did build me up from it, still my recommendation would be to pray with someone in that torment and not tell them their torment doesn’t exist.
Anyways i kept feeling stuck in these thoughts and just didn’t want to have them in me, getting caught in theories that were just theories, but i was stuck it felt unable to just disolve them and had wished i had never had them in my mind, trying to know how to fight them off i just tried to ask Jesus to keep them away and after a while they would retreat and i would have some time of rest that was slowly getting longer. At times i was fearing Satan may have overpowered me or fearing maybe he was truly in control and kept trying to cleave to Jesus and asked my dad here about Satan. I was told “He can test you, but God will win out”. Whatever the case i sure didn’t want to loose. I would keep asking Ron Hoak questions even as he had to go do things and he patiently dealt with me at times saying “brian i would like it if you would allow me to leave to help with these things that will help others and you and then i can help you directly later”. He had a picture of three women i think in the living room, i thought they looked pretty but i wasn’t necessarily wanting one way or the other really to be flirtatious to them but i wondered what i should say either feel guilty about thinking they were pretty or be honest and i ended up saying i thought they looked pretty because i thought it was best to just say the truth… he seemed maybe a little bit uneasy about the comment but i couldn’t really tell and responded something in return i don’t remember but seemed edifying.
I was able to lend a hand at least a little bit with fixing some minor computer issue or offering some advice which i was thankful for after all they had done. And then we proceeded to go to the house i had been at. This was super difficult to me, i was fearfully scared tp go there. I walked through the house getting all the belongings i could with my dad here and packing them into the car, it was slow, i was scared to move, i couldn’t speak much and my housemates were there, they were quite kind. My dad here wanted Tara to give the car to him but we ended up being ok with her keeping it. We left some things like the turntables and whatnot there which Elizabeth still somehow has in her possession and i am glad for this, she can keep them. We took all my school papers to Ron Hoaks and i promptly threw all my books i had written in with somewhat occult things, or writings while on drugs and threw them into the furnace along with all my books on Daoism and everything i could find that was dark or against God, it took a couple days to burn through.
Ron Hoak allowed me to keep everything of some value in his attic, including speakers, clothes, some scientific books, quite a few boxes actually. I still need to figure out how to get them out if they are there.
We got the tickets to go back to Guatemala, and ran into Mike H. When we met it was nice to say hi, but i felt very attacked it was hard to keep from screaming over and over… somehow i made it out from the visit but i hope to somehow help him in the future. Maybe someday his Son who is adopted from Nicaragua and the rest of his family can come visit, practice spanish and above all i pray be baptized in the Lord. God be praised in Jesus name.